January 2009
12 posts
Orphans
Well, hello! Look what a kind stranger (me) dropped at my doorstep (carried home from Manhattan). They needed a good home (they were on sale), and I didn’t have the heart to turn them away (I wanted white, navy, or black, but was so determined to walk out of Hus with something that I settled for beige). Can you imagine how they would’ve been treated (probably very well by incredibly...
Maybe This is Why my Friend is Afraid of Birds
The kitchen at my office carries a hefty supply of Land O’Lakes half & half creamers by the name of Mini-Moo’s. Adorable though their name may be, the creamers themselves are cause for concern among my colleagues because, unlike other dairy products, Mini-Moo’s do not need to be refrigerated. Our office manager stuffs the single serving-sized, cellophane-topped cups into a...
No One Saw
Yes, I licked a drop of coffee off the spout of my French press at work. What of it? Some of us aren’t wasteful. Sheesh.
$98.11
This is all that remains of my January budget. Division informs me that I’ll need to cap my spending at $16.35 per day for the last six days of the month. Can I do it? I don’t know. But if I succeed, I will reward myself by not returning the two jackets I bought just last week.
History on the Wall of Televisions at the Sixth...
And then we clapped.
Look How Productive!
When I started my new job, I worried that I’d never be able to keep track of my responsibilities, as the list is long, unpredictable, and ever-growing. After experimenting with Outlook and iPhone features that promised to render the sea of formidable tasks but a molehill, I resorted to the standard to-do list. The to-do list was a staple in my structured household. My parents lived by them,...
My Friend Aly
“This curry makes me want anal sex.”
Ah, Yes. How Could I Forget?
Missed Connections is my new favorite internet distraction. The postings range from touching and hopeful to this: Looking for JIM, an actor from Chase and Marriott commercials - m4m - 42 (Flatiron) Reply to: pers-994244051@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-15, 3:33PM EST Jim, We used to meet in midtown on 3rd Ave. Loved servicing your dick. Then you moved to LA for a while and before you got back I...
A Litte More Awake
Happiness is thinking your cup of coffee is empty, only to discover that there’s a half of a gulp left.
Up to my Ears in Gay
My paraphrased inner monologue during “Liza’s at the Palace.” So this is my seat. I’m stuck in the last row and sitting in one of two seats in the entire Palace with an obstructed view. The old people around me are complaining of vertigo, although they’re calling it claustrophobia. Now that is a Brooklyn accent. The show hasn’t started, yet I’m totally...
The Penmanship of a Sociopath and the Observations...
I finally finished Catch-22 yesterday. I say finally because I usually read only during my morning subway commute, and Catch-22 proved particularly difficult. In short, I hated it. Most every paragraph I hated. It was “Who’s on First.” For 460 pages. After the first 10 I wanted to throw myself onto the tracks, a gesture that’s gross and upsetting in normal circumstances,...
Cheers from Beyond the Grave
My grandmother used to pester me about my posture. Because the curve of one’s back, like that of one’s nose, is difficult to see without a triptych of mirrors, I never fully grasped the magnitude of the supposed problem and, over time, her accusation lost credibility. My torso and legs didn’t meet at a 90 degree angle. I could see the sun long before it set at the horizon. As far...