The imminent arrival of baby Knowles-Z drew my attention to an inexplicable hole in my music collection: Dangerously in Love. For reasons I’m not quite prepared to confront, the only song off this album that I owned until last night was “Naughty Girl.” Armed with an iTunes gift card still gooey with traces of adhesive, I purchased the rest of Dangerously in Love and felt a surge of excitement the likes of which I hadn’t experienced since the summer of 2003 when I got drunk with friends at a gay club in Cambridge, heard through the din of heavily remixed and layered pop songs the blares of trumpets that introduced “Crazy in Love,” and hovered approximately two inches above the ground for the duration of what was undoubtedly my jam.
Eleven years ago the sobering realization that I had to attend class the following morning brought me back down to Earth. The same can be said for last night’s letdown, which took the form of iTunes album artwork discrepancy. The difference between the original download’s image and those of the most recent download is subtle, yes, but so is the slice of a finely honed blade: imperceptible and seemingly innocuous but actually lethal. (The rumor of Bey’s fake bump falls into this category. You brush off the stories, then gradually succumb to the lure of incredulity and the possibilities it promises.) This is killing me.
My name is Jim Sherwin. These are bags of my poop.
